Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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