I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize