We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
