he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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