just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
