The maid of honor just puked.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
