Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
