You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
