you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
