Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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