what day is it and did you see me today?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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