apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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