i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
