Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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