the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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