Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
