she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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