yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
