just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Welp...herpes.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
