My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
