I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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