gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
