and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
