I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize
