Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
