Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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