Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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