I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just high enough for therapy.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
