its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize