She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
