cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize