Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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