anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
