plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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