sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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