If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
