I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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