My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I touched a dick in church today
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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