Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
