bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
