Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
