So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
