I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
