fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
