Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
