I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
