I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I am naked and annoyed.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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