I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
