Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
