You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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