I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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