So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
