I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
