Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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