is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
