Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
