my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
