they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
