I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
