He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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