I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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