Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
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